This year may be a train wreck. However, when I look back, I can now see that several other years have also been train wrecks. I made excuses why things were happening, I was confused, I couldn’t see through the manipulation. I always distracted myself with cooking, and having family in town.
I can see where I was taken advantage of, forced into feeling certain ways, or left hung out to dry as a form of punishment. I can see now what effect it had on the kids. I can see now where my circumstances had a direct effect on my health. I can see now that I was never going to witness a positive change in him, or in our relationship.
This year I’m truly thankful for more than I ever have been before. I may be flat broke, not a cent to my name. We may be struggling to get by. We may need things. We may be healing for years to come. BUT….
We are free of manipulation.
We are free of psychological warfare breaking lose at the drop of a hat.
We are free of living in fear.
We are embracing who we were meant to be.
We are finally living life.
We own our own emotions now.
I’ve been fortunate enough to obtain enough photography work to slide by.
We are learning new life skills to make us stronger, better, family members and friends.
We have amazing people in our life. No matter what, they are in our corner. They are our support. They are lending us strength on bad days, and laughing until they cry with us on good days. They are part of our army of light and goodness.
I am reconnecting with my family energy. The lessons of my youth. My grandmother’s influence in my life. The influence of all my strong ancestors is helping me now that the door is re-opened.
I know what I need to do. I’m making things happen for the betterment of my family.
My children… They’re damn rock star HEROES. Their willingness to speak out with the truth, to remain strong, to help pick up the pieces so that we can live the best life possible in the end. They’re amazingly resilient. They know what THEY want. They are learning to make it happen.
Although it may sound strange:
I’m grateful for the truth.
I’m grateful for the hurt.
I’m grateful for the shattering.
You see, without those things I’d still be lost. I wouldn’t have my true self to depend on. I would still be an abuse victim in complete denial. I would still be blind to all the issues, and I’d still be trapped in an emotional washing machine.
Do I wish things hadn’t happened to us? YES. Do I wish I had been given my fairy-tale ending? YES. Do I wish my kids hadn’t been subject to their circumstances? YES. Will we continue to fight for what is right? YES.
Without the shattering, and all the crap it came with, we wouldn’t be here. We wouldn’t be in a strong space. We wouldn’t know how bad it “could be”. We wouldn’t be able to acknowledge that we survived “getting out”, that it could have been drastically worse.
We are strong. We are survivors. We are warriors.
I’m thankful for that.
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