In the beginning of The Shattering, when I needed honest answers, I asked my husband WHY he betrayed everything good in this world. His answer was an even bigger disappointment than he was to me….
I thought I was in control. I had control of everything.
For people like him, control is intoxicating. It’s their addiction. They crave being control drunk. They enjoy bending wills to their power, they enjoy destroying people, they enjoy the rush they get every time they get their way. They don’t give two damns about anything or anybody else. Just control and instant gratification. The cost is not even considered. As long as they have control and can achieve more control they will continue to manipulate, lie, cheat, and abuse.
His answer was meant to scare me, yet to draw any pity or empathy I had left for him out. A true double edge sword. He was banking on the tone in his voice, the message that I can not escape his lure, would trap me into previous patterns of working with him. “Being Reasonable”. He was banking that his exceptional skills of manipulation would be able to force me to believe his lies further. He had every intention of continuing the abuse. He had every intention keeping me broken. Keeping me in his pocket for eternity.
Every bad guy on the planet will do anything in their power to keep victims believing that they are powerless. They will act outside of the boundaries of acceptable behavior to show their power. They will rule with fear, lies, deception, intimidation, manipulation and they will revel in the torturous control they wield. Don’t be fooled; they know EXACTLY what they are doing. Their egos will catch up to them. They will start to believe that they are control. They believe they have become untouchable. Unstoppable.
Here is the ultimate thing about control. It does not belong to abusers, narcissists, rapists, stalkers, sociopaths, psychopaths, or any other “bad guy” out there.
Think about the basic, raw, nature of control. Control is a perception. It’s a manipulation. It’s fear. At its very core it is pure deception. It’s an alternate reality used to keep abuse victims trapped. One victims are either in denial of being exercised over them, or that they believe they can not escape. The fear of their abuser, the fear of not being believed, the fear of the unknown keeps them down. The manipulation of every human reaction, emotion, and the micromanagement of thought processes keeps them confused. Easily controlled. Easily abused.
Here’s the thing….
Victims hold the ultimate control.
When we’ve finally reached a point where we will not, or can not, tolerate one more second, we change the game; we shift the world.
We can shut down their ability to hurt us. We can leave. We can no longer believe their lies. We can deny their manipulation. We can press charges. We can destroy our abuser’s alternate universe one way or the other. We can cut their ties to us. We have survived hard things already, so we can do hard things.
In my experience with ripping control out of the hands of my abuser, it was an easy decision. He made it easy, and finite. The end had to happen. There was no other option for my kids and my healthy survival.
I threw him out of our house. He thought he could get back in. He thought I’d change my boundary. He thought he’d become skilled enough at manipulating me; guaranteeing that I’d change my mind. However, that was something that was not changing. EVER. After the multiple transgressions he chose to perform. It was clear from the beginning what had to happen; even before future discoveries came. The Shattering was enough.
He didn’t realize how I was now. He didn’t realize how strong he’d made me.
During the initial stages he attempted to “be honest and transparent” with me. Assured me he would disclose everything, any detail I asked for would be revealed. I took advantage of this. I paid special attention to the answers, the energy behind them. I was clearly being manipulated and lied to. I had proof of what he had done; all the dirty little details…. he was spinning stories trying to convince me I was paranoid, misunderstanding, unreasonable, and wrong. He was pulling out all the stops. For the first time in my history with him I could see him for the absolutely pure evil he has become.
I called him out on his lies. I called him out on his deception. I called him out on his belief that I’m worthless. I called him out on being evil. When backed him into a corner he reacted exactly as I suspected he would. It was violent, unforgiving, blatantly evil. He had an agenda, he was going to exercise that agenda, and I was going to be forced to believe it. So he thought.
This time, I was not believing any portion of it. This time the only effect he had on me was making me physically ill and mad as hell. That was his first warning that I am not who he thought he made me be…. I was, in fact, the person I was once upon a time. I was not going back to what he created. I was returning to my strong roots.
I attempted to set boundaries. He shattered them. He had total disregard for me. He exercised total disregard to the kid’s boundaries. He actively blamed me for the kids setting boundaries. He had/has no comprehension of why there is a need for boundaries. Boundaries he never allowed us to have. You see boundaries would have prevented him from being able to do what he did. ALL of what he did. Boundaries existing now meant he wouldn’t be able to do anything he wanted, anytime he wanted to do it, and to whomever he wanted to do it to. His ability to be control drunk was going extinct.
He HATED that we were all going to therapy. He hated that he couldn’t manipulate the therapy sessions. He hated that he wasn’t invited; wasn’t welcome. He hated that he couldn’t have his alternate reality, with all the control being in his hands. He hated that not only were we recognizing what he’d done, but we were recognizing what he had become. He hated that he couldn’t get us to believe the image he built for himself. He couldn’t force us to believe he was good. He hated that we wouldn’t allow him to get “drunk” at our expense anymore. He hated that we were going to be fine without him.
He continues to hate me, hate our therapists, hate our legal team, and hate that he has no control over us. He is filled with hate and evil. He lashes out in every way possible trying to regain control over us. He continues to withhold financial support, withhold honesty, withhold any form of personal accountability, withhold pertinent information. He continues to attempt to manipulate our surroundings, believe nobody sees him for what he actually is, believe that he will win and that I will suffer at his hand forever. He has chosen to believe his own lies. He actively is promoting that he is the victim.
He forgets though…. Everything is his fault. His impulsiveness, his selfishness, his reckless abandon, his complete disregard for morals and ethics has lead him directly to this very specific set of consequences. HIS choices dictated this outcome. His total manipulation of his world has put him here. His inability to recognize this is not my fault.
Truth is powerful.
He has shown to us ALL that he has no remorse. No actual concept of what damages he’s inflicted. That all he’s interested in is making us suffer for as long as possible. Suffer as brutally as possible. Suffer because we shoved him into sobriety; the poor baby didn’t get his way.
So be it.
We have joined the Rebellion…. We will not fall victim to Vader’s dark side ever again. We’re stronger than he can even comprehend at this time. He gave us the fuel we needed to shift the world. We are going to be stronger now because he made us his victims.
Our abuser doesn’t get to claim victim status in a situation he designed.
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