Months after The Shattering I didn’t comprehend that I was an actual abuse victim. My therapist would say, “Do you understand that is abusive behavior/abuse?”. I’d nod my head side to side. I wouldn’t, or maybe couldn’t, accept that I’d been abused. Especially by somebody that had convinced me so many times that he loved me; was by best friend. I was being stubborn. Didn’t want to accept it. I don’t think I knew how to accept it.
I found nothing but shame in and anger my situation. Nothing but shame in the implication that I had been abused. I translated abuse to personal weakness. I knew I wasn’t weak. I couldn’t wrap my head around the surrealism of it.
I made up all kinds of excuses. Mostly because that is what He has trained me to do; make excuses for him and everything bad in life. Excuses that meant I would shoulder the accountability of his actions. Actions I played no role in him taking. Maybe if I’d been prettier, thinner, sexier, more patient, less opinionated, a better housekeeper, or trendier he wouldn’t have committed adultery…. he wouldn’t have gone after the victim he chose…. he wouldn’t have been abusive…. he wouldn’t have become evil.
When the initial excuses started to melt away a whole second wave of embarrassment and shame washed over me.
I quickly put myself in a space where I felt like an absolute idiot. What red flags did I miss? How many times was a comment made that could have a double meaning? How many behaviors did I miss? For how many years was I being lied to? Only an idiot would have missed everything right? I mean, I’m reasonably intelligent, how the hell did he trick me for so long? We’d been together for 22 years. You’d think I knew who I was sleeping with by then!
I felt about 3″ tall. My confidence was rocked. I was convinced something was wrong with me. Although I couldn’t place what it was, or where it would come from. How could I be that wrong?
Again, my therapist kept asking the typical “how did that make you feel?” and “do you understand that behavior was abusive?”. I began leaving her office frustrated for a couple reasons. 1. I don’t emotion well. Never have. 2. Me a victim? What the hell? Why does she want me to feel weak?
After a few sessions going on like this, I really started to reflect not only on the situation, but on the questions about abuse. I decided maybe I should look into this; so I would have a reason to quote why I was not a victim. There had to be proof that I wasn’t a victim. There had to be something my therapist wasn’t considering, something that meant I wasn’t abused. Something I could relate to that meant I was strong, capable, and independent. Research backfired.
As I started to skim over mountains of information on domestic abuse, emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, Intimate Partner Abuse, and about 5 other categories. I studied everything I could all night long for days. I was obsessed and couldn’t sleep until I found what I was looking for. For days I hardly ate; hardly slept. I had a hard time concentrating on anything else. I needed to find anything to tell me I was right. In the end though, I couldn’t find my loophole. I was a text book example of an abuse victim. He was a text book version of an abuser!
I AM A VICTIM.
I couldn’t stop rereading; hoping that if I read enough I would find something I’d missed. Something that would let me off the hook. My breathe caught; I felt like I couldn’t get enough air. My heart raced, skin on my face and neck turned bright red. I started to cry. Not just crying. Sobbing. As the tears dried up I was gripped by the realization that I HATED him for what he’d done to me. It was the first time I really took into account that I’d been hurt on a personal level; that I’d been deeply wounded by him. Logically I knew that, but this was the first time it slammed into me on every level imaginable. I hadn’t been important in a long time. Years. I was nothing but collateral damage to him. He didn’t care about me, probably never had. He only cared for himself and his wants.
First I was enraged. How dare he do that! How dare he victimize me then blame me… how dare he play the victim in a situation he designed and executed. How dare he do this to the kids! How could I allow my light to be snuffed at any level? How in the hell did I end up here? I thought I was stronger than that!
Then came sheer disappointment. Disappointment that I’d been lied to for so long, that he was sick, that he never once tried to communicate that anything was going on with him/that he had anything wrong, that he didn’t understand all the damage HE has caused, that he’d been able to master keeping me distracted, that I’d missed any red flags I didn’t know to look for.
Disappointment intensified to terror that he’d used my health against me; like a weapon of war. That he’d used my kids against me; kept them silent with fear tactics. He had abused our kids. Terror that if he could do this, if he could pick the person he did, if he could embrace evil while putting on a show of normalcy, if he could hurt our kids yet believe he hadn’t, if he could sleep next to me after all HIS actions…. what else could he be capable of doing?
My mind raced. Not in a good way. A wave of disgust washed over me.
For the first time in weeks I was having massive anxiety attacks. My mind raced through memories. What did they mean? What was the second meaning in everything?
I could suddenly place the abuse in actual scenarios I’d lived through. I could site instances of abuse, every little detail of what had happened and why it was abusive; various styles of abuse. I could see where coercing me to do what he wanted was abuse based on actual circumstances. I could see where his fits of rage, meant to keep us in line, were abusive. His aggression anytime he didn’t like something, or thought he may be caught red handed suddenly made sense. I could see how every time he accused me of something outlandish; it was because he was actually doing them! Sick bastard. The guilt tactics, that he’d refined over the years, I could see them and how he applied them to us to get his way. I saw how he had alienated some of us; made us think others hated us. He had absolutely, unequivocally abused our whole family.
I was physically ill for weeks. Again. Every memory that clearly changed due to the reality of who he is and what he’d done made me sick.
Meanwhile, he was trying to hoover me back into his life. He would tell me over the phone how much he missed us, wanted me, was going to get healthy for us and come back. He had sick and twisted answers for everything. He was laying on the charm thick! He even proclaimed how much he’d missed the “unfiltered” me. Blah, blah, blah. I wasn’t buying any of it. He was lying all the way. He just wanted control.
I laid down boundaries. Boundaries he didn’t like; but they were for our safety. Boundaries were our new safety blanket.
When he realized I wasn’t going to let him sneak back into the house he went into full on attack. Telling me how worthless, how stupid, how embarrassing I’d been to him. He told me I wouldn’t see a cent of alimony from him…. I didn’t deserve it. How dare he forget HE DID THIS.
After several more therapy sessions, I learned that embracing my victimization was the first step toward starting to heal from this. It was the first acknowledgement I needed to move toward being healthy and safe in my life. I feel like since I let this realization settle in I’ve been able to make progress. I feel much better now, much stronger. In turn, the kids are also making good progress. Finally.
If you’re out there wondering if you are abused, or have been stubbornly fighting the victim status, I urge you to find somebody safe to speak with. If you are not feeling safe in your relationship find a way to get out. Be Safe.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline has some great information for you. They have a hotline phone number, and chat, if you think you’re being watched on your personal devices ask to use a friend’s.
Another great resource is Betrayal Trauma Recovery. They have a ton of information, pod casts, and services they offer. The pod casts have been great for me. Lots of information on there. I love my therapist here in town, however, on days that I feel like I need a second perspective I look for information there. I will leave a link below for their site.
Find a way to talk to whomever you need to get into a better situation. Don’t stay unsafe, mistreated, or trapped. Keep an open mind. If your experience is anything like mine the abuse was inflicted in baby steps. It wasn’t all at once. The changes in real time were so subtle that they aren’t recognizable in the moment. If somebody is telling you that you may have been/are in an abusive situation look into it further. Sometimes you can’t see it by yourself.
You deserve better. You deserve to be safe, happy and healthy. Become your own advocate.
In case anybody needs these:
www.thehotline.org
www.btr.org
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