For years I’ve somewhat joked that Karma is a friend of mine. A good friend. I have always believed in Karma and energies in the universe. I’ve been fortunate to live a life where Karma has been good to me. I’ve always believed in whatever I wanted, never pushing my beliefs on anybody that didn’t agree with me. I’ve always been a supportive person. I try, sometimes failing miserably, to not offer unsolicited advise. I was raised to believe that taking the high road would bring positive Karma. However, I was also raised to fight any battle that was deemed worthy. Not to give up. To fight for what was right. Fighting for what is right would bring good karma anytime.
I don’t know how, I don’t ask why, but even through my years of emotional and narcissistic abuse I was blessed by Karma to have good friends all around me. I was fortunate to only lose part of myself, not my spirit through the battle. I found people who loved me for my spirit, for my quirks. I’m not everybody’s cup of tea. I’m ok with that. I do, however, count my friends as lifetime friends. A chosen family if you will.
Then The Shattering happened.
I felt a soul crushing roundhouse kick to my existence. I knew it was time to fight. The kids and I didn’t deserve this. I’ve been fighting for what is right since my personal D-day. I don’t want to sugar coat this, it hasn’t been easy. I’ve been stubbornly set on doing what is right for the kids and I. I won’t settle for anything less. My days of settling have passed.
I’ve had to go no contact with our abuser; for our safety. He doesn’t respect our boundaries. He doesn’t care what we want or need. He only cares about what he wants. He only cares about forcing his lies on us. He only cares about control and power over us.
Staying no contact, and living by the court approved no contact order has been hard. He regularly violates the order on a cyber level. He insists on communicating with me directly rather than through the lawyers. I won’t respond to him…. although sometimes I’d love to. It isn’t the right thing to do; to sink to his level. I simply forward everything on to my lawyer. I won’t violate the court order. I won’t risk my kids for his petty behavior. He’s trying to tempt me. He doesn’t understand how strong he’s made us.
Coming to the realization that silence is our best weapon was a struggle. I’m used to fighting my fights head on. I don’t give up. Falling silent felt like giving up. I didn’t like it. However, when it came to my attention by my sister in law whom was attempting to help the two of us communicate effectively, that there was an impasse… that if neither of us was going to be reasonable things would fall apart…. I got angry. Why should I be reasonable? Why should the victims of his abuse suffer more? My switch flipped. If I fell silent they couldn’t use anything against me. They couldn’t twist things to appear to be my fault. They could fling accusations that were totally unfounded, and I didn’t have to respond. I could take the higher road.
The higher road is full of hairpin corners and rocks to crawl over. Sometimes it’s scary.
I realized his family was just that…. HIS FAMILY. They would always want to defend him, accept him, no matter what he’d done to us. They’d always believe him over us. They’d always hope he would fully repent, turn back to the light instead of the evil. Believing him, a proven liar, is simply enabling him to feel entitled to make us further suffer. Enabling him to believe he has done little to nothing wrong. Enabling him to further sharpen his skills of lying, manipulation, and intimidation. So be it.
To protect my children and myself I silenced the flow of information and communication with them all. I do wonder now, if they know he’s blaming a close family member for his actions. Blaming them for everything he’s done. Of course I don’t wonder enough to ask. I’d probably be lied to anyway. I’d further stand accused. So I keep silent.
I realized, again the hard way, that not all of the people I thought were my friends actually are friends of mine or the kids. I’ve had to, tearfully sometimes, drop “friends” off my social media and communication channels. They have listened to his tales. They have decided they don’t know me; don’t want to support our safety. So be it. I’ve had to silence that flow of information also.
Silence really is golden. In the silence there are fewer fights to go through. In the silence the kids and I can accept the changes we are going through. We can listen to each other from a perspective of truly hearing what the other has to say. We are not in defense mode all the time; listening to respond, listening to make a point at the expense of another. We can determine what we want our futures to look like. We can move forward, as life demands. We can accept that we have suffered damages, and work together to repair those damages.
That is not to say there aren’t struggles. There are multiple layers of betrayal we are all working through. Betrayal of love, betrayal of family, betrayal of trust, betrayal of friends, and betrayal of truth. When we struggle these betrayals surface in surprising ways. Tears over what is made for dinner. Songs that some of us can’t bear to listen to any longer. Movies that strike too close to home; that we wouldn’t have paid any mind to before, but now they are too real.
Emotions run heavy when texts come through from people we know support him. I see that they are trying. Content of these texts are positive. They still cut open still fresh wounds. I’ve been chatting with the kids about taking a higher road. I won’t require they respond personally, but if I’m on the thread I do respond. A simple message thanking their attempted contact. Only one kid has joined me, only one is ready. That is totally OK. They have to find their road, their want to be better, they have to do that on their own.
There are tantrums, tears, hurt feelings. However, on the flip side there are bouts of laughter, unique quirks, and an appreciation for what we do have now. Freedom and peace. I have faith that the high road, learning to be good without forgetting transgressions will be found.
I’m hopeful that the kids will learn the art of balance in their lives; so they will never be permanently trapped in negative circles. So that Karma can also be their friends.
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