What Exactly Is Financial Abuse? Why Don’t We Recognize It?

Financial abuse is present in up to 99% of abusive relationships according to nnedv.org.  99%!  As I sit and reflect on that statistic it makes me feel better on one hand, and so much worse on the other.  Better that I’m not alone, worse that there are so many of us floating around out there.

Financial abuse encompasses several facets of life.  Does your spouse insist on making you live on an allowance?  Do they not allow you to have money to pay your debts?  Do they control the flow of family money?  Do they not allow you to have any input in making financial decisions?  Do they over spend leaving nothing for anything else?  Do they make you ask to spend anything?  Do they exceed lines of credit then take new lines out in your name?  Have they ruined your credit score?  Have they drawn out the legal processes of custody or divorce just to ruin you (by hiding or not disclosing assets or information)?  Do they use guilt or intimidation against you when you question their spending, or when you spend without permission?  Does your spouse demand you don’t work?  Did they demand you didn’t work, then suddenly demand you do go back to work years later?  Do they have unrealistic expectations for your earning potential when you do go back?

IF any of the above answers are yes…. you may be a victim of financial abuse.  IF several answers are yes, you may want to seek guidance to your situation.

As is a theme in my abused life, I didn’t want to accept that financial abuse had happened, or was continuing to happen.  As usual I tried to deny it.  This time though, I discovered I just didn’t understand the nature of this beast.  I didn’t understand how it developed or when it started.  I didn’t understand that this abuse started LONG before the other forms of domestic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, or even the narcissistic abuse started.  The financial abuse roots were planted deep; early on in our relationship.  It was his first power play.

When we were first married, I was in fashion design school.  After barely squeaking by after having Broken Girl I went to work in the industry.  At first I liked my job; other than the commute and drama.  I can honestly say I worked for ever personality portrayed in “The Devil Wears Prada”.  As a fairly blunt person I wasn’t the best candidate for the industry.  You can imagine.

After my third company HE pushed me to stay home with our daughter.  He made good points that we could save on daycare.  We could use daycare funds for groceries.  We would be better off.  After all, “A woman’s place is in the home”…  I agreed to give it a try.

Shortly after quitting the industry I discovered I was pregnant with Welding Boy.  Things were tight, but I thought we were on the same page regarding getting creative and cutting corners where we could.  After a few months of doctor appointments and monitoring the bank accounts, it became clear we weren’t even in the same chapter.  Shortly after it was demanded that I go apply for WIC to help pay for groceries.  I asked my grandparents for enough money for a month’s groceries, swallowed my pride, and applied for assistance.  On more than one occasion after this we were reduced to eating Top Ramen and sliced cheese for dinners.  Sometimes a hard boiled egg with it.  Sometimes.

Eventually he decided he didn’t like to hear my nagging, so he agreed to start including me in financial decisions, spending, and creative budgeting.  He handed me the accounts to monitor.  Things got better for a few years.  Generally speaking.  However, it was in these years that his obsession with spending a great deal more on credit developed.  His habit of buying a car a year…. always rolling over negative equity was established.

Even when the point was to get a lower payment, we always ended up in a much higher payment.  It got to the point that with his income and credit he couldn’t support this habit.  Or any others.

After him demanding I stay home with the kids for 14 years (and 2 more kids later) he began demanding that I go back to work.  But of course, he wanted me to work, without leaving the house, and without the house falling apart.  OK dude.

I was fortunate to land a position working from home, providing customer support to a tool company.  It was ok work.  LONG hours, lots of demand that you work all day long.  The more they demanded my “butt be in the chair”, the more the house fell apart.  The more my body hurt.

All the more he got upset with me.  Why was he upset?  Because with all the hours my job demanded the laundry didn’t get done.  The dishes had to wait sometimes.  Garbage wasn’t taken out the second it was full.  Because dinner wasn’t perfect and ready at his beckon call.  I was always tired.  I was always hurting.  I was NOT getting any support.

It was time to have a chat.  He agreed to help with the chores.  To help direct the kids.  To try to help pull the house together.  I expressly told him I can’t do both worlds to his “picture perfect standards” on my own.  He then demanded I stay in charge of the bank account/monthly budgeting.  Now I believe this was one of the first traps I fell into.  However, at the time I agreed.

Him helping with the chores didn’t last long.  He delegated EVERYTHING to the kids.  He didn’t do anything but get after them if they didn’t do them, didn’t do them right, or didn’t do them fast enough.  I attempted to temper this, however, now I know he just escalated when I was unavailable to monitor it.  Additionally, he started demanding that I work up a new budget daily.  For his benefit…. so he would know how much money was available in the account.  In reality, he just wanted somebody to yell at when he was informed he’d over spent on crap…. that the family was barely able, or unable, to pay bills.

By this time he had demanded that I ask his permission to purchase anything for my self for years.  He would deem if it was necessary; if it was allowable.  Me being me, I always reasoned away that my needs were second to the kids needs, so I din’t push back when I should have.  By the time the last 7 years came around it didn’t matter what I wanted…. IF I was buying something for myself it was a fight.  However, by that time I also had a decent job so I started buying things here and there and just taking the verbal lashing in the end.  Then about 3 years ago everything changed…. basically as long as I shut up he didn’t care if I bought “affordable items” now and then.  This tended to be no more than $30 once in a while.  Anything more than that amount was usually met with resistance.  It was usually, “that can wait, we have so many other things to do”….

The other things were never the important things though.  It was things like him spending hundreds of dollars a month on Amazon.com purchases.  Spending on credit cards to finance his sickness/fantasies/his need to have the latest and best at any cost.  Eventually to fund his new relationship with his girlfriend and her two children…. the ones I’m not “supposed” to know about.

Anyway, there were two very distinct last straws.

1.  Due to an injury I sustained at work, and the settlement that followed I recieved a rather large check.  More than I’d ever had on my own.  What happened?  I was convinced I’d always have good benefits through him.  I was convinced he would curb his spending if only I would “do the right thing for the family” and pay off all his debt.  I wanted my debts paid, so I agreed to pay most of his and all of mine.  After all, he had 3-4 times the debt I had.  So all of my $20k+ settlement went to paying off debt.  Little did I know 4 months later the Shattering would happen.  I’d be left penniless with 4 kids….
2. After I paid off all my debt, and almost all of his, he decided that he needed another new car.  HE had to have it, and he had to have it now.  At first I tried to say no, but as was usual he would become obsessed with what he wanted.  He would wear me down.  He would force his decision on me.  When I was tired enough of defending my stance, when my body ached, and my stomach hurt; I’d break down and give him his way.  So he bought his black 300S.  Only 1 year after the purchase of our F250.  Even though the payment would increase $100… $850 per month on one car payment!  Even though negative equity was rolling over.  He needed my income, he needed my credit, and he was relentless until I broke down.  He got his way.

Less than 1 month after this purchase I found out about the evil he was.  I found out what he was doing to one of my children in particular.

I had no choice but to let my life shatter.  To pick up the pieces and build my own world with my kids by my side.

Now, over one year into the legal process, I have tens of thousands of dollars in legal debt.  All spent fighting for my kids better life.  All spent to get us away from our abuser.  Also all spent because he wanted to play games.  But, that will be another post coming soon.  The Games They Play.

Here is the thing.  Financial abuse is an easy way for abusers to exercise control.  To instill doubt in us as women.  We don’t see the red flags.  We think were’re being supportive of our families by our needs falling by the way side.  We think that patterns will change if we try hard enough.  By the time we discover there is an issue, we are convinced we are worth nothing.  We are trained to believe we’d never survive on our own.  We are positive that we can not live a decent life without our abusers.

I’m here to tell you, you can, you will, succeed in life after your abuser.  You can qualify for help in your income is low for a while.  You can get support declared by the courts.

You can do all hard things, because you have been doing hard things your whole life.

Get help if you suspect financial, or any other form of abuse.  You are worth it.  Your kids are worth it.  Your life is worth it.  You will survive.

Should you not know where to begin, the following link is a good place.  Should you feel you may not be safe to explore options, call the number on their site from any phone but your own.

National Network To End Domestic Violence:  www.nnedv.org