A Wolfpack Father’s Day: Part I

What does it mean for a family that looses the dad in the equation of manipulation, lies, deceit, and abuse?  Does it mean that Father’s Day is just one more painful holiday reminding you of a gap in your family?  A gap that shouldn’t have been created?  A gap that you’re all working hard to not ignore, but to address; to overcome.  Or does it open up an opportunity to thrive regardless of the gap?

Shortly after Mother’s Day (that was amazing by the way), the kids started asking me what Father’s Day was going to mean to us.  I kept asking them what they wanted it to mean.  They’d all go quiet.  I don’t think they new what they needed or wanted it to be.  I impressed on them that our unique situation means that we get to rebuild what everything means to us.  That the conventional guidelines no longer apply.  So if they wanted to make Father’s Day more about hiking, tubing, hanging with other families who have adopted us, or just going to the movies that was ok.  If they wanted to delete the holiday from the calendar that was ok.  If they wanted to turn it into Parent’s Day they could.  I asked them to reflect on it as a group and get back to me with a new definition of Father’s Day when they were ready.

Then my work schedule got complicated, and I didn’t get the new definition back.  That was ok though.  I kind of figured if we needed to we’d just blow past the holiday and work on a definition for next year.  I did have to work that day, and if they didn’t want to engage in anything that was fine with me.

Little did I know how this crazy holiday would transform this year.

A week or so ago Broken Girl asked what I wanted for Father’s Day.  I told her I’d love to just not have to cook after a long shift.  She said she would take care of dinner then.  I was grateful to her for that.  Movie Boy had pitched to the others that because I fill both sets of shoes in this house, I should be celebrated on both holidays.  They really are all awesome kids!  Even when I don’t think they’re listening or following directions, it turns out they do notice my efforts.  I almost blushed.

Father’s day came, and my kids posted on their social media accounts Happy Father’s Day messages to me.  They used their favorite pictures, and a pretty good dose of sincerity laced with sarcasm.  Adorable!  The outpouring of support and love from all our friends was amazing.  I was really feeling the love despite exhaustion setting in.

I came home from my long shift ready to drop.  It had been a rough day at work.  First thing I’d noticed was that a dear friend of ours took time out of his father’s day to mow our 2.5 acre yard.  Then he took the time to mow a path to the lake, AND he knocked down a bunch of grass on the landing at the lake!  Holy amazing gift!

The kids had dinner all planned.  They started cooking as I walked in.  Frozen pizzas for the gluten tolerant, frozen gluten free entrees for the gluten intolerant.  Who cares if it’s frozen food when you don’t have to cook for a night!  I was sitting back appreciating all their efforts…. I mean they even did laundry so I wouldn’t have to!

Then Welding Boy dropped a grenade in my lap….

“HE text me today.  I know how I want to respond, but I’d like to know what you think my options are.”

I wasn’t in shock.  I think I’ve been expecting him to attempt to contact Welding Boy ever since he turned 18.  I wasn’t even shocked he picked Father’s Day.  He’s always had a flare for the dramatic, and is excellent at manipulating emotions; inducing guilt to get what he wants.  The melody to “Isn’t it ironic” started running through my head.  I actually laughed out loud.  Then Welding Boy began sharing the text he received with me.

When he was all done reading the message that was basically a plea for HIM to get the opportunity to attempt to manipulate Welding Boy into believing what he knows to be true was in fact only partially true, that there is another version of the truth out there.  HE wants Welding Boy to meet with him, to hear this mystery truth.  A mystery truth that will not erase the facts of the actual truth in any way.

I asked Welding Boy what he thought of the message.  He responded with some interesting new vocabulary pairings, and stated that he WILL NOT tolerate the manipulations of the truth anymore.  That he wants nothing to do with HIM.

So we ran through some options together.  If he should respond, how he could respond, how engaging in a conversation of any type may effect his psyche.  How hard he’s worked in therapy to regain any confidence, self worth, any semblance of the man he wants to be.  We even talked about positive and negative karma that could be gained in each scenario.

Then I left the final decision up to Welding Boy.

Welding Boy disappeared into his room.  Once in a while we’d here a spirited “woohoo”, or a “hell yes”.  Mostly he was off doing his own thing.

The conversation drifted off to summer camp for Blue Girl.  She has been excitedly planning to attend, and is continuing to make HUGE plans.  She has everything planned out, thought out, and can’t wait to share the experience with Welding Boy.  One last summer camp for the two of them.  Movie Boy started brainstorming a new film concept in between topics.  Broken Girl then announces that she has been wanting to start telling her truths for some time now, but hasn’t known where to start.  She begins going to work on that.  Her evolution will be discussed shortly in another post.  Lets get excited here:  She just may guest write at some point!!!  So cool.

After a while, Welding Boy comes back down stairs grinning from ear to ear.  He says,

“I did it.  I stood up to the devil!  I didn’t pull punches.  I said what I’ve been wanting to say for so long.  I even called out all his abuse; on all of us!”

Like a kid learning a new skill in life, Welding Boy was beaming.  He’s missed out on feeling self sufficient or capable for a lot of years.  He’s spent most of his life being screamed at, physically assaulted even, for attempting to do things for himself.  They were never done well enough, right enough, fast enough, and the list goes on and on.  This time though, he knows he has done what he’s wanted to do for a long time.

“Mom, you won’t like a few of the words…. but I’d like you to read what I sent.”

With a sigh I take his phone and begin reading.  The opening line is dynamic despite the use of a HORRIBLE word.  I keep reading.  He calls out the pathetic way HE is trying to plead victim, how he abused each and every family member.  Then comes a new phrase; I almost choke on water.  ‘…. listen here you useless lump of meat….’.  From there Welding Boy just picks up steam.  Laying out the truth, calling out the falsities.  With really bad language scattered in there.  I use horrible language when I’m not writing…. so believe me when I say that his word choices were truly terrible.  Forceful, but terrible.

It’s the closing line though…. the culmination of his thoughts that gets me….

“In conclusion, Fuck Off.”

Pardon the language in the quote.  It was the icing on the cake that made me absolutely lose it.  You see as I sit and read this message he text to HIM I find myself wanting to cheer Welding Boy on.  Wanting to scream out hell yes and give him a high five.  Then as you read the closing, it fits, and all I could do was sit in amazement.  He really is getting strong.

Welding Boy did it! He broke the chains of control and negativity that have had him suicidal at times.  Depressed always.  He broke the spell his bully held over him.  He really is on the way to being the man he wants to be.  I was so proud of him for taking his stand.  For laying it all out there.

In the end it didn’t matter that Welding Boy received a totally crap response from HIM the next day.  It didn’t matter that HE can’t see the manipulation HE specializes in.  It doesn’t matter that Welding Boy chose not to respond again.  It matters that he overcame, and had the guts to handle it head on.  It matters that he made a decision, followed through on it, and felt good about saying what needed to be said for him to heal.

It mattered that WE can see the manipulation for what it is.  WE can determine that we don’t want any portion of it.  WE get to determine what is best for us.  We are healing.  We are getting stronger.

We’re doing a great job of it.

Broken Girl took a huge step forward in her healing process.  All thanks to HIM trying to reassert himself in our lives; where he doesn’t belong.  Her story is to follow soon!  Be looking for Part II shortly.  Who knows, maybe we will even have a guest writer from time to time.

Lets just say in this wolf pack we have each other’s backs.  We don’t lie to one another.

If you mess with one of us, you get to deal with all of us.