Taking Me Back

I’m on a mission to take ownership of my body once more.  I decided on my birthday that remaining slim, but with no physical fitness, needed to be a thing of the past.  I decided that The Shattering helped me loose 27 pounds, so I’d be a fool to waste that advantage.  That loss alone, presented me with a win win situation.

He used to tell me I was fat, flabby, and would never look better.  No matter what I tried to lose weight, no matter what exercise I put in.  When I was with him I never seemed capable of getting in shape; of looking better.  My body was holding on to the pain, the insults, the negativity, the stress I had imposed on me daily.  As I heal I am starting to understand these things.  I don’t like them; I understand them though.

I resolved on my birthday to look better, feel better, and have things fit better than they ever have before.  I’m now 3 weeks into my journey of taking back my body.  It sucks, but I’m already seeing some effects of my hard work.

3 weeks ago I go on a treadmill for a whopping mile.  I felt defeated.  I felt exhausted.  I felt, for the first time, like I’d let myself down over the last few years.  Then, I was sore for 4 days.  I thought, just for a minute, about quitting.

2.5 weeks ago I joined a local gym.  I’ve been going every day after work.  Some days I swim, others I elliptical, others I yoga or barre.  I’m pulling out all the tricks I once knew.  Things that made me strong in my past years.  I’m hoping I will be strong once more.

Since I began my private challenge, I’ve been living on ibuprofen/aleeve twice a day everyday.  I don’t remember ever being so sore in my life.  At least when surgery wasn’t involved.  My kids have been teasing me that if there was no pain there would be no gain… but somehow I still feel like I should be able to turn a doorknob without flinching.  Still, I push through and return to my workouts as planned.

Some days I struggle through the workout I decide to do.  The machines don’t always agree with my body.  The studio is sometimes freezing cold.  The gym may be stifling hot.  The new chlorine they use in the pool may bring on hives.  All of these things get under my skin.  I don’t remember things like this bugging me before.  Maybe they did and I wasn’t ready to address them, maybe they didn’t and I just pushed through.  I don’t know that answer.

There is nothing more uncomfortable for me than having people sit and watch me sweat during a personal workout.  It aggravates me when you hear hushed voices critique your workout, critique your form, or laugh over how you sweat.  I’ve been addressing this issue head on.  I’m not about to run away from it.  I want to get back to the level of no shits given that I had when I was teaching.  I mean I used to be a fitness instructor.  I literally got paid to sweat and make others sweat!

Right when I thought I was making headway on the sweating in front of strangers topic I got a curve ball sent my way.

Nearly a week ago I left work as I do any other day.  Exhausted, running a million things through my head that I need to accomplish, totally and utterly in my own world.  As I pulled into the gym I thought I’d seen a truck I recognized.  I quickly dismissed it.  I live in truck country.

I went into the locker room, blinders on, like I do every time.  I changed out of my over sized work uniform.  I always feel like I’m drowning in it.  I kick off my duty boots.  Put on comfy socks, running shoes, and well loved work out gear.  I’m ready to do the elliptical.  I wander out onto the floor, climb onto the machine, set up my work out, look to my right…. holy hell.  To my right are 3 of my coworkers, the row behind us and farther to the right are 4 more coworkers.

My coworkers attempt a conversation with me, but I’m too tired; too thrown off guard.  I do what I always do; I retreat into my anti-social box.  I answer their questions, leave out all detail, finish my elliptical workout and head for the studios.  As I’m walking in I find 2 more coworkers wrapping up in there.  All I can think is “why are they at my gym?”.  Of course this is ridiculous.  It’s the only gym in 4 counties.

Two days later I get a call from another coworker while on shift.  He reads me the definition of anti-social straight from the dictionary.  I laugh and ask if it includes a picture of me.  He laughed at first, then said, “I get the idea you weren’t always this way.  Isn’t it tiring to be so tied up you don’t know how to have fun around friends?”.  I can’t fault him for saying it.  Honestly I experienced some relief that he was calling me out.  He’s right.  It’s exhausting and lonely.  I’ve known I needed to work on it, but I’ve been too in my shell to really work on it.  I guess it’s time.  I guess I have friends that are willing to help me work on it.  So it’s time to stop running from everything.

It’s time to not only work on taking back my body, mind, spirit, but also learning to socialize again.  Learning to have fun again.  To make friends again.  Once upon a time this all came so easy…. once upon a time I would have NEVER thought I’d be struggling with this.

That’s what life does though.  It throws curve balls at us.  The only thing in our control is how we react, how we adapt.  So far I think my reaction and adaption have been so fueled by survival that I’ve forgotten a lot of things.  I’m hoping to not only remember them, but to enact them and thrive again.