Broken Girl Finding Her Way

Recently Broken Girl has really started to become who she’s always been meant to be.  She’s growing in strength, growing in personal power, she’s embracing the real her, finding her way in a messed up and broken world.  Watching her develop into who I always knew she’d become is an awesome thing.  It’s a thing I wish every parent could experience.

Broken Girl has always been my tomboy.  From birth she was rough and tumble.  As a toddler she proved that baby gates were actually dangerous when she started jumping off them and rolling down the stairs.  I knew she’d be a game changer.  I knew she’d be a risk taker some day.  As she grew she never minded rolling in the dirt, competing against the best of the boys, living on adrenaline, or expressing her self through a truly terrible sense of fashion.  I’ve strived to give her the space to be who she is all along the way.

For a time, our abuser attempted to train her to be what he thought she must be.  He took the time to groom her into what his standard was.  In doing so he twisted her mind up.  He controlled how she dressed, what she thought was cool, how she looked, who she hung out with, what she did and didn’t do, what she thought.  He made her lose who she was, who she’d always been.  It lead to a very dark time.  It lead to The Shattering.  It ultimately lead to the kids and I finding happiness again; thriving in our new life without our abuser.

Broken Girl recently discovered a side to herself she had been hiding from the world all her life; a side I knew was there for years now.  Through all her therapy, through all her growth, she was finally able to come face to face with it.  She was finally able to accept herself for what she was; what she has always been on some level.  She was finally able to embrace who she was born to be.

Broken Girl’s embracing who she was meant she felt like she needed to unveil herself to the important people in her life.  Based on stories she’d heard, experiences of others, she built her unveiling up in her head.  She built up fear.  She built up that she may be disappointed.  She built up a lot of things.  Then she set out to write a letter declaring who she was to her mother.  A letter that took days for her to perfect.  She told her news to Flamingo Girl.  Flamingo Girl was nothing but supportive, and that gave Broken Girl the strength she needed to approach me.  To potentially re-shatter her mother.

One night while watching Ghost Adventures with the kids Broken Girl jumps up and runs upstairs.  I’m thinking she forgot to do something.  She comes flying down the stairs with a foldedpiece of paper and shoves it at me.  She says, “Read this…”.  There’s a look of anxiousness on her face.  So I begin to read it….

The first section is all about how I’ve allowed her to be her all of her life, how she appreciates that, how her successes have come from me, how she doesn’t fell like she’d physically or emotionally be here without me…

“Why are you kissing my butt right now?” I ask.

“Just read the letter!” she shouts at me.

I get to the nitty gritty of the content…. lift the sticky note on the left side and read:  I’m gay.

“I already know.” I say.

With a shocked look she exclaims, “What? What do you mean you know?!”

“I’ve known for years this was coming.  It doesn’t change anything, I still love you for you.” I tell her.

Movie Boy strolls in, Legos in hand, and says, “What’s going on?  What did you already know?”

Broken Girl looks at him in total disbelief, totally dumbfounded, and says, “I like girls.”

Movie Boy says, “Yeah, so do I.  Cool!”

In that moment Broken Girl’s confusion melted away.  Her anxiety over embracing who she was disintegrated right in front of me.  It wasn’t our veil that was lifted, it was hers.  She was slammed with the realization that it doesn’t matter who you love, love is just love.

She called Welding Boy with her new found courage.  She told him the news.  He accepted her for who she is.  He supported her not just because she was his sister, but because everybody deserves their own happiness.  He just wants her to be happy.  That was the last obstacle for her.  She came out on social media, and the outpouring of love for her began.  Even from people she didn’t believe would embrace the not so new her.

Her heart is more full now than I’ve seen it in a long time.  She knows there are so many people in her situation that don’t get the support or acceptance they crave.  She knows she is fortunate.  As I sit back and watch her grow, as I embrace the entirety of who she is, I know she will find ways to do great things.  To give others the same support she’s been given.  

I wish every parent could feel what it is like to not only embrace who their child is, but to know ALL the children you are raising are strong, capable, and unafraid to be unique.  That all your children can accept others for not only their differences, but the essence of who they are.

I couldn’t be more proud of the people my children are becoming despite everything they’ve suffered and survived.